Pivotal Moments
by Windrider1967
Summary: Given the writing assignment 'Tell me about pivotal moments in your life' Blaine reflects on his life - disappointments and successes, loves and losses and discovers things along the way he never expected.
1. Chapter 1

God, where to start? It's not something I ever really thought about. I mean I am used to the typical "Tell me about your summer vacation" essays, but really "Tell me about the most pivotal moments in your life"? Looking back there are so many and yet so few. Some of them it seems like I can just barely catch a glimpse of, kind of that foggy half recollection like your fifth birthday; you know it happened, but you aren't sure if you remember it or if you remember the stories and the pictures. In a way I am glad that this is going to be an ongoing assignment, because I don't think I have ever just sat down and looked at the things that have made me ME.

I think one of the most pivotal moments in my life was finally figuring out I was gay. It's not like there was a single moment of blinding realization, more of a slow and steady progression that ended with a complete certainty that I just couldn't shake. I think I was about 13 when it first started. We had health class that year and I remember wondering why everything the teacher was telling us seemed wrong. Not like a "gross" kind of wrong, something subtler. All my friends just kept going on and on about who they would like to get some practical experience with and I realized that there was no one that even crossed my mind. Of course I chimed into the discussions, agreeing with their choices and making some appropriately inappropriate comments, but it just felt off somehow.

I think I spent more time trying to figure out why the idea of sex seemed so wrong to me than most of my friends spent obsessing on "doing it". I mean I was a teenage boy after all and I woke up more than one morning with an erection or wet sheets (sorry if this is inappropriate for this project, but you really have me thinking and analyzing here) but for some reason there was no real memory of what had me in that state in the morning. I mean I would have flashes of dark hair or hands touching me, but there was never any real person attached to the memories. Then came the first dream that freaked me out.

A few of my friends and I had gone to watch "Pirates of the Caribbean, at Worlds End", I had seen the previous movies and thought they were just brilliant. We had a great time in the theatre, laughing along with the jokes, all my buddies going on and on about Kiera Knightley, and while I agreed that she was a beautiful woman, I appreciated it in more of an abstract way. The next morning I woke up with a severe erection and very distinct thoughts of Orlando Bloom in my mind. I can tell you it freaked me out in every way possible.

From there I became more and more aware of the differences between my friends and I. They would go on for hours about the fact that this girl or that one were developing quite the impressive rack, or comment on how short another girl's skirt was. I continued to play along with them but realized that there was nothing there other than an appreciation for beauty, nothing remotely stimulating, and that was so damn confusing. I found myself looking at the guys in my gym class, or models in magazines, or actors on TV and trying to push back the thoughts that I found them more interesting than any of the girls or women.

For a long time I tried to convince myself it was just a phase, something that every teenager went through, and I never talked about it. The concept was too scary for me to even put into words. When you are 13, two of the words that got thrown around a lot were "fag" or "gay". If a kid seemed at all weak or not masculine enough they were labeled a "fag". If they liked dancing or dressed too differently they were labeled "gay". It seemed like those two words were the most hateful ones that came out of any of my friends' mouths and it made me feel like everything I was feeling and thinking was wrong.

It wasn't something that went away though. My dreams at night became clearer, the images of guys clear in my mind in the morning when I woke up. The summer before my freshman year was torture, hanging out with my friends at the pool or playing football in the park. I had to fight not to look when someone walked by shirtless or when one of my more attractive friends came out of the pool dripping wet in board shorts that clung everywhere. Unfortunately the more I tried not to look, the more obvious it seemed I was. My friends started to take notice and little by little my invitations to hang out slowed and the under the breath comments of "What Anderson, you turning into a fag on us?" became more frequent. I tried to laugh it off, became obsessive about commenting on the girls in their bikinis or talking about sports and cars and all the other things my friends were into. I don't know who I was trying to convince more, them or me.

Freshman year was really hard. I was still trying to figure out exactly where I stood on the whole issue. Things at home didn't make it any easier. My parents were strong Christians and I had more than once heard an offhanded comment thrown out about gays in the media or in politics. When the vote on gay marriage was coming to a head in California I heard more lectures on "marriage" than I can even remember. It wasn't like my parents were hateful about the situation, but they made it clear that they thought that the idea of marriage and being gay were mutually exclusive. It seemed like everyone around me just made the assumption that gay meant sleeping around and wanting to screw anything that moved.

Of course my "buddies" took their taunts and snide comments into our new high school, and it wasn't long before I started hearing mutters of "fag" when I walked down the halls. It didn't help when I realized how much I loved to sing and joined the chorus. Singing was "gay" according to the guys at my school, and the few of us guys that joined got picked on constantly. As far as I knew all the guys in chorus with me were straight and I still made a point not to look too hard or think too much about it, but by the middle of my freshman year I just knew that I had to actually admit to myself that I was actually gay. That realization put me in a depression that lasted months. I didn't know how to reconcile the public view on gay relationships with the fact that all I wanted was someone to care about me, to go to movies with like my friends did with their girlfriends, someone to hug and kiss and hold hands with. I wanted a boyfriend, not a bunch of faceless sex partners.

By the end of my freshman year I was so happy for the summer to finally come. Summer meant the ability to get away from the shoves in the hallway, the accusations of staring at the guys in the locker room, the endless notes thrown at me in class with the word "fag" written in big bold letters. I never talked to my parents about the problems for fear of setting myself up for the lectures I was sure would follow. I tried talking to the guidance counselor at school, but rather than helping with the bullying it seemed like all she wanted to do was get me to admit that the guys giving me hell were right. I wasn't ready to talk to her, or anyone else, about my feelings; I just wanted the bullying to stop. Nobody seemed to care.

**Wonderfully written Mr. Anderson. Psychology is about looking deeper than the surface of issues and really examining what makes a person tick. I appreciate the fact that you are taking this assignment as an opportunity, instead of just a grade. It is interesting to me to see what you think now about your thought processes then. From having you in my intro course last year, I can say that you seem to be one of the most open and honest students I have had the opportunity to interact with in my years teaching, and I look forward to learning more about how you went from the scared teenager to the confident man.**

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><p>AN: For some reason this just wouldn't leave me alone. I LOVE Blaine, always have, with the dichotomy of "super confident Warbler" to the open fun person he has been with Kurt. Exploring a bit more of his history just feels natural to me, since I tend to write from his POV. Not sure how long this will go, but I'll run with it until he shuts up – right like that is apt to happen.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

If my freshman year was a turning point for me, the summer that followed was a full roller coaster ride. As I said before, most of my previous friends were totally avoiding me by the end of the year. They became the most aggressive of the bullies to be honest. By the end of the year I couldn't walk through the halls at school without someone coming up to me and shoving me, or calling me a fag. It became difficult covering the bruises and not letting my parents see what was going on at school, but I couldn't do that to them, not without admitting it to them. There was no way that I was ready to do that.

Once school finally got out at least I had some peace. My parents did ask why my "friends" weren't inviting me over for barbeques or games, but I always had some excuse. I spent the beginning of the summer holed up in my room teaching myself guitar and rereading some of my favorite books. In July everything changed.

The house across the street from us had been for sale for months. In the beginning of July the Millers moved in. Of course my mom, being the perfect neighbor, had to make a cake to welcome them to the neighborhood. Of course I was the one that had to take it over. And it was then that the second pivotal moment in my life happened.

Michael Miller was my age. He and his family had moved from Phoenix because of his dad's work. All of a sudden there was a guy here that knew nothing about the bullying or the rumors and that I could just get to know without all the misconceptions. It turned out that we actually had quite a bit in common; we both loved football and he actually played the guitar. We would spend hours practicing or just sitting and talking. It felt so good to have that safe interaction again.

As we got closer to school starting, I began to worry about going back. Not only did I have to deal with all the shit again, but here was this great friend that was surely going to disappear once he realized that everyone gave me shit for being gay, even if I didn't admit it yet. I tried to find a way to bring the subject up, but amazingly he brought it up first. It turned out that Michael was gay and fairly open about it. He wasn't scared to tell me but wanted to know what he should expect at school.

I told him that the best thing to do was to play it straight, at least around school. I told him about all the shit the guys gave me. When he asked me outright if I WAS gay, it was the first time that I had actually told another person. I can tell you I was scared to death to actually say the words, but once they were out it seemed like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. For the first time in my life I had someone who understood me.

It is funny that there was never a question of Michael and me dating. We were best friends but there wasn't any attraction there beyond that. In a way it was comforting when I realized that. Everyone had led me to believe that being gay meant that you were automatically attracted to other gay guys. Michael helped me see that, just like straight kids, it was ok to be friends.

When it came time to come out to my parents at the beginning of the school year, after a particularly bad incident that left me with a bruise I couldn't hide, Michael was right there with me. He helped answer all the questions I didn't know how to ask. When I came out at school not long after, he stood by me and helped me stand up as best I could. It honestly looked like things might get better.

My parents didn't quite embrace the gay but they still loved me, I could tell. They had a lot of questions about me being sure, questions about how I knew, what this meant. Michael was instrumental in helping them understand that being gay didn't mean being a slut. They saw that he and I were great friends, with nothing sexual going on. I think they were concerned about the future though, what this would mean my life would be like. They were torn between worrying that I'd be inappropriate and that I would end up alone. I couldn't blame them.

School still wasn't easy for me. My old friends had a great time in coming after both Michael and I because, of course, we were screwing like bunnies in their eyes. Overall we were able to take it, helping each other out and presenting a united front. That all changed with one simple event; the dance that fall.

I really wanted to go and so I asked Michael if he wanted to go together. I guess we were being stupid, thinking that we could get away with it. I mean I thought we were being discrete. His dad drove us and it didn't seem to me that we were acting any differently than any of the other guys. We jammed out to some of the fast songs, didn't slow dance, and didn't hold hands. I thought we blended in. I thought wrong.

When the dance was over Michael's dad was running a bit late so we were sitting out on the stone wall in front of the school. One of my old friends walked up and started in asking us who's house we were going back to to screw. Next thing I knew there were two upperclassmen joining in with him. Three on two is never good odds, especially when one of them is a "hobbit". I was even shorter then than I am now, maybe 5'6 and Michael was even shorter than me and skinny. When the first blows flew I thought I was going to die.

All I really remember about that night is fists connecting with my jaw, booted feet connecting with my ribs and seeing Michael kneeling down with blood pouring down his chin from a split lip. It felt like it went on forever and I didn't even try and fight. It was like I froze and just couldn't react. I watched them beat the crap out of my best friend and I did nothing. I felt like it was all my fault. I just couldn't do it anymore.

Luckily both Michael and I came out of it with rather minor injuries; a cracked rib here, a concussion there. It was the final straw for me though. I just couldn't go back to that school for another two and a half years. Over Thanksgiving break my parents completed my transfer to Dalton Academy. Dalton, with their zero tolerance policy. Dalton, with their competition show choir. Dalton, where I could start over.

**Thank you for being so honest again. While I can't sympathize with what you went through I can tell that it was extremely difficult for you. I am glad that you found someone that you could talk to. Too many kids take the easy way out when faced with similar situations. I am glad that you found the strength not to go down that road. It sounds like Dalton was a safe haven for you; I am interested in hearing more.**

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><p>AN: Ok, without totally embarrassing one of my readers I can tell you I got a PM telling me that when reading the first chapter they thought it was an actual LJ personal entry right up till the authors note. Even the "Anderson" didn't raise a question other than "wow, he has the same name as Blaine" Funny considering I am a 44 year old straight woman. I have to take it as the highest compliment, a sign that my "Blaine" voice is real and believable. I hope I did both he and the subject matter justice.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

**Normally I would do an author's note at the end of the chapter but I need to place a warning. This chapter is in and of itself a **_**trigger**_**. If you have any issues with self harm or have considered suicide proceed cautiously. If you or any of your friends are having issues that need to be discussed based on sexual orientation contact the Trevor Project at 866-488-7386. If you are in crisis in general contact The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255)**

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><p>I appreciate your feedback on the last assignment. You brought up a point that I haven't even allowed myself to <span>think<span> about for too many years. I hope you don't mind, but I really need to get some of this out right now.

It's funny; when I first met Kurt I kept telling him to have courage. Courage to stand up, courage to be himself, courage to fight back. For all my talk of courage, I was the one who ran. I think I told him that because I ran, because I let everyone else dictate my life. But the really funny thing is, if I wasn't such a coward I wouldn't be here today.

You talked about the kids, that when faced with the knowledge of their sexuality or the hate that comes with it, take their own lives. In the first assignment I glossed over months with a simple "I was depressed" It's not a time that I allow myself to look at much. It is so much easier for me to think that it was that simple.

Struggling with this is hard, understanding that so many people in the world will hate you for simply being yourself. You get told by people you thought were your friends that you are a freak. The church tells you that it is a sin. There are few positive role models in society for the gay or lesbian teen. When I was growing up there were no real people in the public eye that were out and proud. There were a few; Neil Patrick Harris is one I remember. But even then it wasn't really accepted. I remember people laughing when Elton John had his son, when he got married. There just really weren't people out there showing that it was ok to be gay.

The worse the bullying got, the more I retreated into myself. The more they shoved me around it seemed the more numb I got. It was easier not to feel anything than to feel all the pain, both physical and emotional. It was like all my emotions just shut down. I kept going through the motions, but my heart wasn't in it. It got really bad.

It got to the point that in order to feel anything I had to hurt. Kurt is the only one who has seen the scars, and there are a lot of them. It started out innocently enough; one day when the guys shoved me I caught my arm on a piece of metal on the lockers. The cut wasn't large, wasn't deep, but it amazed me how much I could feel it. It was like a reminder that I was physically there. That reminder felt good. For days, when I needed to ground myself, I would press my nails against that cut and feel the pain. That was the start.

Before long I found myself intentionally cutting. It started small, little shallow cuts along the inside of my thighs, where it hurt so deliciously. Before long it seemed like I was cutting every day, like I had to do more and more in order to get the same level of relief. I still have one scar that runs almost from my knee to the base of my hip from a really bad day. I never cut too deep though, nothing that needed more than a bit of pressure to quench. Then it seemed like even that stopped helping.

When I realized that I couldn't make myself feel through the cutting anymore I actually stopped. It wasn't because I realized it was wrong or self destructive; it was because it wasn't working. When I realized I couldn't make myself feel anything anymore I stopped trying. I would just lie in bed after school and stare at the ceiling for hours. The funniest thing is that no one ever realized.

You get good at putting on the mask before you leave your room in the morning. The "perfect student" or "perfect son" mask, the one that tells the world that you are calm cool and in control, the one that no one can see through to see the real you, the one that eventually you start to believe yourself. It becomes almost like you are going through life in the third person, watching someone else live your life. It's a weird feeling.

It got to the point that I really didn't care at all. I honestly thought that it would be easier for everyone if I wasn't even there. Not long before I met Michael it all came to a head. I don't know how other people's suicide attempts happened; I've never really talked to anyone about it. For me, like everything else, it was a process. I actually started planning it out, like it was a damn screenplay. I researched online for side effects of the drugs I found in my parent's medicine cabinet, both individually and in combination. I researched over the counter medications. I calculated lethal doses like it was a geometry problem.

I planned out numerous scenarios, wrote notes implicating my bullies in my decision. I tried to figure out how I wanted myself to be found. I read online about the best ways to do it, which way and where to cut for the quickest results, how to ensure that there was no backing out. I finally had everything down. Mom and Dad had a dinner out of town for one of his accounts so they would be gone overnight. I found the combination of drugs I was going to take, had the box cutter hidden in my end table, figured that if I did it in the tub it would make it easier for everyone to clean up. I figured what I thought was a foolproof plan; Take the pills first, and then slit the wrists and I figured if all else failed when I passed out from the combination I would drown in the tub. Then the night came and I discovered one very important fact about myself … I was an absolute and total chicken.

I was too scared to go through with it. The fear wasn't over the pain, or the guilt that my parents might feel, or even the thought of it being over. The fear was that I would try and not succeed, then everyone would know how screwed up I was. Then everyone would know I was gay. Everyone would look at me in pity over the poor kid that was too screwed up to even kill himself right. I couldn't deal with that. So I chickened out.

Now I am glad I did. Things got better in my life eventually. I found friends, true ones that I could talk to and who wouldn't judge me. I found the joy of performing again, this time at a place where it was appreciated. I found a wonderful second family, who accepted me, more than my own ever did. I discovered that love wasn't impossible, that being gay didn't mean loving any less that anyone else. Above all I discovered that I was more than the label that had been placed on me, I wasn't just the queer or the fag; I was Just Blaine.

**I had hoped that this had passed you by, I honestly had. I am glad that you chose to open up about it though. Is everything ****really**** alright now? No reason for me to be concerned? Please know that I am available if you need to talk. I don't know if you have ever heard of the Trevor Project or not, but I think you would be an excellent candidate for one of their videos. They offer a support line and do anti suicide videos for the homosexual teen. The website is  
>http:  www. thetrevorproject . org/ and the hotline is 866-488-7386.**


	4. Chapter 4

I wanted to thank you for your concern after the last assignment. It was a scary point in my life, but I got through it. Honestly I think I am stronger because of it. By the way, Kurt and I got a chance to take a look at the website you gave me. We talked about doing a video for the project. We'll see what happens. Thanks again. Back to the story of Blaine Anderson.

Dalton was intimidating at first. It felt so good to be away from all the taunts and the punches and the fear, but it was odd. Transferring in mid-semester makes you stand out. As the new guy, unfortunately there are a lot of questions asked. A lot of questions that I wasn't ready to answer. Luckily most of the time people were willing to take the "My parents thought that Dalton was the better school for me" at face value.

Boarding was difficult. I still had so many physical reminders of the attack earlier that fall and I really worked hard to hide them. I made sure I changed where my roommate wouldn't see me and just tried to lay low. I knew there was a no bullying policy, but no bullying doesn't mean acceptance. All I needed was to trade one homophobic school for another. I was still scared as hell.

One thing I can say about Dalton is that it was much easier to hide that an a public school. Uniforms in a way meant anonymity. Not standing out was easy. I became another blazer clad sophomore in the sea of navy and red. I did well enough in my classes that I wasn't singled out for extra attention, but not so well that the teachers called on me as an example. I made a few passing acquaintances that I would eat lunch or dinner with. I got good at fitting into any conversation. I learned how to be a "Dalton Boy"

I thought I had gotten away without notice until just before Christmas. I really had no one to blame but myself. Academics were stressful, with exams in all my classes; my parents and I hadn't talked since I moved except for a few quick "You fitting in OK?" conversations. I realized that Dalton was more for my parents in some ways than for me. Here I was out of sight, dealing with my "issues" and "problems" wasn't something they had to face. Their friends weren't faced with the "gay son". I was lonely, felt like a failure and I let it out the only way I knew how.

One day when I was feeling especially down I found my way to the music room. Michael and I had always found music to be an outlet for our feelings and I ended up sitting on one of the chairs playing the guitar and singing. I don't even remember which powerhouse ballad I was singing, but it was one that expressed all the pain and the fear and the loneliness that I struggled so hard with. I didn't realize that anyone was there until I heard someone say "Man you got a set of pipes on you" Turning around I saw two guys I had never seen before standing in the doorway, smiles on their faces.

They introduced themselves as Wes and David and told me that they were members of the Warblers. The Warblers were the show choir that Dalton was so proud of. I didn't ask about tryouts when I transferred because of all the crap that our chorus at school had taken. Apparently here the Warblers were actually respected, admired even. David and Wes invites me to audition and can you say the rest is history?

There was a weird dynamic with the Warblers. They were very "private school". I mean handbooks and formal rules of order? There was a council of three upperclassman who ran the group, no teacher or director. It seemed like everything had to have a vote attached to it. Song choices were made by the council, solos were assigned by the council and everyone had their place. There were assigned first and second leads, so voted at the beginning of the year, and everyone was assigned into neat little groups.

Outside of rehearsals the Warblers were totally different guys. They might have been quiet and orderly when in the group but outside they were totally insane. It was hard not to get sucked in. I still kept my personal life tucked away and got very good at putting on what Kurt called my "Dalton face" I was polite and kind and "dapper". My renegade curls were straightened and gelled down every morning. I was the perfect gentleman. No one knew I was gay, no one gave me grief, I was just another one of the guys.

Midway through second semester my life took another sharp turn, one that I look back on as a life changer. As with all teenage boys, the Warblers had their share of relationship dramas going on. Most of the guy's girlfriends went to Crawford Country Day, the Dalton sister school. I never really paid much attention to the drama because frankly hearing about everyone's girlfriends made me more aware of how unlikely it was that I would find someone. Then I walked into the practice room one day early and found Logan, the first lead singer, sitting on one of the couches in tears with four of the guys trying to comfort him.

I really didn't want to intrude so I just kinda stood in the doorway. When I heard Logan say "God I never thought he would dump me like that" my ears went into overdrive trying to hear what was going on. Here was one of the lead singers of the Warblers openly discussing a breakup with his "boyfriend" and none of the guys were freaking out. Actually all of the guys were encouraging him, patting his shoulder, resting a hand on his knee, telling him they understood how much it must hurt. He was gay and had friends that supported him.

That day when rehearsal started I asked the council if I could speak for a moment. I made some heart wrenching speech about how wonderful it was to be part of such a wonderful group. I looked Logan in the eye and told him how sorry I was for his pain and the fact that he inspired me to speak. I apologized for being so closed off. And then I told them the reason. Standing in that room in front of all the guys I told them I was gay and scared and told them the real reason I came to Dalton. We didn't get much rehearsing done that day but I came out of that room with friends that understood and liked me anyway for the first time in my life.

**I am glad that you found the website helpful. If you need any help with the video let me know, I do think you could be a wonderful addition. I can see how easy it could have been for you to just "fit in". Private school does leave you that out. I know how much you love performing and I can see how the Warblers could become a safe haven for you to open up. I'm glad you found them. **

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><p>AN: Don't ask me why but this chapter bit my ass. I normally don't rewrite, just let Blaine talk, but for some reason he was being strangely quiet. Next time: Lead singer, Jr year and meeting our favorite countertenor.<p>

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	5. Chapter 5

It's funny, I would have thought that after my whole reveal to the Warblers that the rest of my sophomore year would have been more memorable. I think the best way to describe the next few months is "they happened". I learned more about fitting in and being individual at the same time, I got to be better friends with Wes and David, and I actually got a few "backup solos" for some of the shows we did. Before long it seemed the end of the year was on us and it was time to head home for the summer.

Things at home still hadn't improved much, as the matter of fact the months away seemed to make things even more strained between my parents and I. The subject of my sexuality never directly came up, but it was an unspoken wedge between Dad and me. For some reason Dad decided that the summer was going to be "father/son bonding time". Dad started planning guy stuff every weekend. One weekend it was fishing, which I knew he hated as much as I did. Then it was baseball games. Whatever gave him the idea that working on a car together was a good one I don't know. Neither of us knew a thing about cars, but we spent quite a few weekends trying to restore this old piece of junk.

The worst part of the whole summer were the endless dinner parties that my parents threw. It seemed like every business associate or acquaintance from church with a single teenage daughter found their way to dinner over the summer. I do have to say that subtlety isn't one of my parents strong suits. I managed by putting on the Dalton mask, being unfailingly polite and complimentary. It got old quick tho. Before I knew it tho summer was over and it was time to head back to Dalton.

The year started fantastically. When auditions for lead soloist came up for the Warblers Wes and David convinced me to audition. It should have told me something that both of them were on the council that year but I was still surprised when I got the lead soloist spot. It was like a dream come true, being up in front of the group fully appreciated. When I was performing it was like I could let all the walls down, go as nuts as I wanted to and the guys loved it. We spent a good amount of time prepping for the competition season but we also did shows at the local hospital and nursing homes as well as "unscheduled" performances at school. I use the quotes because with Wes and David nothing was unscheduled.

Right after our competition for Sectionals had been announced we had a "impromptu" performance schedules in the Senior commons. I was, as always, running a bit late and was hurrying down the main staircase when I heard someone say "Excuse me". I don't know what made me stop and turn around, I mean there were a ton of guys rushing down the same staircase that could have stopped, but something made me turn around. To this day I have to wonder if fate really plays a role in our lives or if it is all a series of unconnected circumstances that leads us to where we are. A minute earlier or a minute later and I wouldn't have been rushing down the stairs at that particular time. Something seemed to put me there right at that moment.

I turned around to see this guy standing a few steps above me, in what was obviously NOT a Dalton uniform asking where everyone was rushing off to. It was easy to figure that he was from one of our rival clubs for the competition and he confirmed when I told him that the Warblers were holding a performance. He didn't ask who the Warblers were and instead seemed surprised that the "glee club" at Dalton was cool. I played it up, referring to us as Rock Stars and found myself dragging him by the hand down one of the more out of the way corridors to the common room.

It's funny because what started out as showing off ended in being extremely significant. I will admit I flirted; something, maybe it was the clothes or the voice or the way he held himself told me that Kurt was gay. I mean I am not one for stereotyping but there was definitely something that had my gaydar running full force. I found myself reaching out to straighten his collar before excusing myself to join the group and sang directly to him during most of the song. The look on his face was priceless, a mix of awe and attraction and I couldn't help playing that up.

I was surprised when he came back the next day, this time not even attempting to fit in. When Wes, David and I left practice, there he was sitting on one of the couches outside the Warbler's room. I think he was shocked when we invited him for coffee and actually thought we were going to beat him up for spying. I knew, just by the look in his eyes that there was more to him than just spying on a rival club. He easily confirmed that when he asked, quietly, if we were all gay.

He looked scared again when the three of us burst out laughing at the question and I was quick to state that while Wes and David were straight I was gay. While Wes and David explained the zero tolerance policy to him I could see the myriad of emotions flickering through his eyes. When he finally looked away, bordering on tears, I asked Wes and David to give us a chance to talk alone. He opened up about the bullying that he was going through at school, about being the only person out at his school and the fact that no one cared about what he was going through. It was all so familiar. I told him a bit about my experiences and how I wished I had stood up for myself. I told him he had the chance to do what I hadn't. We exchanged numbers and then he left. Little did I know how that one conversation would change the rest of my life.

And that is how I met one Kurt Elizabeth Hummel.

**So, lead soloist your Jr year? I'm impressed. I will admit I am intrigued by how you and Kurt met. He honestly asked if all of you were gay? It sounds like he must have had it fairly rough. I can picture you being the "Dalton Boy" all advice and wisdom. I'm definitely looking forward to more here, I can tell that the story definitely gets more interesting from here on out.**


	6. Chapter 6

How did you know I went all "Dalton Boy"? Am I that transparent? I guess so, but that is basically what happened, at least at first. Kurt and I just clicked immediately. I think part of it was how much of myself I saw in him in the beginning. Having been through the bullying, a big part of me wanted to be there to help Kurt through it.

From that coffee meeting, it seemed like Kurt and I were either texting or calling each other constantly. I took to sending little encouragements to him throughout the day, especially after he told me more about the abuse he was going through. The neanderthal that he had talked about was shoving him into lockers daily, threatening to hit him, and throwing slushies on he and his friends. I guess that was just a McKinley thing, but ice cold slushie in the face didn't sound too pleasant.

A few days after we met I got a frantic phone call from Kurt. Turned out that the guy giving him grief was struggling with his own sexuality. After receiving one of my many "courage" texts (yes I sent him stupid one line texts that said only that) Kurt had chased the guy down into the locker room after he shoved him. In between Kurt's sobs I understood that Kurt had yelled at him, asking what his problem was. He apparently told the guy to go ahead and punch him if he wanted to so bad. Instead the guy, Dave, grabbed him and kissed him.

Of course being the wonderful friend I was I offered to go down and help him talk to the guy. I don't know what I honestly was expecting. The optimistic part of me was hoping for a civilized conversation and maybe helping Dave through what he was dealing with. The pessimistic part of me knew that it would probably end in a confrontation. The largest part just wanted to go show support for Kurt and help him.

The meeting was the confrontation I was half expecting. I walked up the the guy, all nice and polite in my Dalton Uniform, and said I would like to talk to him. I remember saying something about dealing with "this" being hard and the next thing I knew I was pushed into a chain link fence with my hands up in surrender. Kurt actually pulled this huge football player off me and then sat down on the steps almost in tears again. When I asked what was wrong he told me that was his first kiss. Of course being me, rather than offering some platitudes, I offered to take him to lunch.

Most people hearing that story wonder what the big deal with Kurt pulling the guy off of me was. Here's the deal; Dave was easily 6'2" and weighed well over 200 lbs. Kurt on the other hand, well he's not a big guy. He may be 5'10' but he is slim, almost a dancer's body. He tended to draw attention for any number of reasons. First was the fact that he was a true fashionista and wore his clothes like armor. He looks fragile. Compounded with perfectly styled hair, bright blue eyes and delicate features he just doesn't look like someone who could push around a football player. Kurt was in a lot of ways the typical gay stereotype. His voice is almost feminine and he sings as a countertenor. I've heard him hit notes that some sopranos can't. Anyway having him stand up for me was an odd feeling.

Lunch actually turned out well. We talked a bit about his feelings and spent most of it just getting to know each other better. He told me about his dad and how he was dating the mother of one of his glee friends. He told me about losing his mother at the age of 8. We talked about his glee friends. Or rather Kurt drew elaborate diagrams explaining the relationships and I tried to keep up. The group sounded more than a bit disfunctional, but Kurt explained that they were ever much a family. I learned about the girl who had gotten pregnant the past year, told everyone that it was Kurt's "stepbrother's" when really it was the resident bad boy's. They all sounded nuts but I could tell Kurt loved them.

Over the next week or two we started to fall into a routine, we would meet for coffee before school at this little coffee shop halfway between our schools. We would text in between classes and chat after school. We ended up hanging out on the weekends, went to a local theatre show of "Rent", went out to dinner and basically hung out. It was cool to have someone who I could talk fashion with, who understood what it was like to be gay in Ohio and who just seemed to "get me". It felt like we had been friends forever, not just a few weeks. We were totally comfortable and open with each other. He made me laugh, which was something I hadn't done easily in a long time.

**You two really must have clicked. From what I have seen you don't just open up to many people. I have the feeling that there is more "Dalton Boy" coming here. Did you honestly think that anything but confrontation would come from that meeting? Why do I think there was a bit of "show off for the cute kid" thrown in there?**

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><p>Sorry it took so long to update. I wanted to thank all of you lovely people who have taken the time to review. Reviews are like crack. Anyway, real life chose to intrude, but I hope it was worthe the wait. Coming more "nondates" the wedding and Kurt's transfer<p> 


	7. Chapter 7

Before I get into explaining the next 6 months of my life there is an observation that I really need to delve into a bit. Without it the next chapters of my life seem odd and out of place. Kurt and I have talked about this and he agrees with me on its importance. Being a gay teenager in middle America is emotionally and socially stunting.

At the age of 13 or 14 most of the guys I knew already had "girlfriends" and had at least some form of sexual experience. They had already gone through the first dates, first dances, first kisses. They had learned, in some small part, how to socialize romantically. They were in a place where they were encouraged to begin to explore their sexuality.

I spent those same years struggling with who I was. I fought to understand why I was different from the other guys. I struggled with hiding who I was and my feelings. There was no safe outlet for me. There was no opportunity for innocent flirting, for beginning to explore feelings. While they were allowed to begin to grow up sexually and emotionally I was stuck hiding everything I was.

At the age of 16, when I started my first year at Dalton, most of the guys had steady girlfriends. Sitting around in the common room, it wasn't strange at all to hear discussions of the guys sexual exploits. Comparisons and challenges were made and accepted. It was clear who "put out" and who didn't. The hormone charged atmosphere led to extremely graphic discussions at some points.

I don't think that the guys did it to make me uncomfortable, they just didn't understand how out of place I felt. Here Nick was talking about going at it with his girlfriend in the back seat of his car, and I had never even really kissed anyone. I didn't have an opportunity for dates, for making out in the back of the movie theatre, for hot steamy car sex. I didn't even dare look at any of my fellow students as "guys" for fear of scaring them away. I didn't have the opportunity to experience all the little things that lead up to the bigger things.

Once more the "Dalton Boy" came out. In public I was this overly secure and popular guy. My image was perfect, every hair in place, uniform pressed and neat. I was unfailingly polite and a proper gentleman. I did well in school, got good grades, played soccer and sang with the Warblers. I think the word most used to describe me was "dapper". I was told more than once I would have given any 40's movie star a run for his money. What wasn't there were feelings, I didn't allow myself to feel much of anything. I did everything I could not to stand out.

Kurt on the other hand, now there's a story. From what he's told me, even before he came out, he was always up in people's faces. It's one thing I love about him, the fact that he never let other people dictate his life or who he was. Where I refused to let myself feel, Kurt refused to let himself not. Where I tried everything not to put my male friends into the possible "date" category, Kurt crushed on straight guys. Apparently he crushed on them extremely obviously as well. Needless to say neither approach was extremely gratifying emotionally.

The fact that at the age of 16 both of us had the emotional experience of the average 13 year old explains so much about the first 6 months of our relationship. From the time we met until he transferred to Dalton when the bullying got so bad his life was threatened, we went everywhere and did everything together. We were never at a loss for things to talk about and never had the need to fill the silences when they were there. He quickly became my best friend and was always there for me. I'm sure it looked like we were dating to the outside world, but there was never a question of that, not then at least. To this day I am not sure why.

**I don't think I have ever read such an honest explanation of the emotional seclusion that being "different" brings. Unfortunately there are lots of teens out there who feel the same way you did, for many reasons. It is interesting that you and Kurt took such different approaches to the same situations. Looking forward to seeing what the transfer to Dalton did to change things. **

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><p>AN: Thanks again to all my faithful followers out there. I appreciate the reviews you all have left, if you haven't been so kind I would love to hear what you think. For some reason this chapter jumped up and bit me in the ass, or rather Blaine was yelling "16 and never been kissed". I honestly can feel the dicotomy between straightgay in terms of "growing up". I went through alot of the same things with my gay college friends that I did with my straight friends in HS. It is sad that society's views put the GBLT teen at such a social disadvantage.


	8. Chapter 8

I wanted to thank you for your insights on the last segment. I don't think most people realize how difficult adolescence is for someone that doesn't fit the norm. Unfortunately that goes for educators and counselors as well. I would love to see what programs there are in the local middle and high schools that Kurt and I might be able to get involved with. If you know of any contacts please let me know.

Not long after Kurt and I started hanging out he told me that his Dad had proposed to his friend's Mom, Carole. Of course Kurt being Kurt he had to plan the entire wedding, himself, in a week. I ended up becoming the sounding board for all his ideas, from song choices to decorations. I did think he went a bit overboard with the 300 doves, but I managed to talk him out of it. I got dragged to so many party and wedding shops it was crazy. I didn't want to interfere with his family and friends so I graciously said "No" when he asked to to go, but I did everything to support him possible.

Right before the wedding things with David came to a head. From what Kurt told me he was teaching his Dad and Finn, his step-brother-to-be, to dance in the choir room at McKinley when his Dad saw Dave make a negative hand gesture at Kurt. Apparently the story of the bullying came out, but not the kiss, and Kurt told his Dad that Dave had threatened to kill him. Kurt is a hell of a lot nicer than I would have been because I would have outed him then and there. Anyway the kid ended up getting expelled and the wedding went off without a hitch. Kurt was thrilled.

Then everything fell to pieces. Dave's father appealed the expulsion to the school board and it was overturned. Kurt was scared to death to have him come back. His parents did for him what mine did for me, except in a more personal way. They gave up their honeymoon and savings to transfer him to Dalton. I was thrilled. Not only would he be safe there but I would get to spend more time with my best friend.

To understand the dynamic of Kurt at Dalton you really have to understand Dalton. If you have ever seen "Dead Poet's Society" it was Dalton, without the benefit of Robin Williams. Dalton had been around for over 150 years and was very tradition bound. It was "Old School" in every sense of the word. Dalton was all about fitting in and at Dalton my public persona was so well practiced it was habit.

Kurt, as I have said, was not one to conform to other people's expectations. When he joined the Warblers, and received our mascot Pavorotti to care for, he made a joke about taking him to work at a cat rescue in a coal mine. Needless to say I was the only one who chuckled at the joke. When he performed his audition for the upcoming competition he sang "Don't Cry For Me Argentina", a far cry from what an all boys accapella group was used to hearing. When he asked for my advice after being turned down "Dalton Blaine" told him not to try so hard and to work on fitting in.

We still had our coffee "nondates" and sat around in my dorm working on homework together, and I could tell that he was taking my advice to heart. He became much more like another blazer in the crowd. I tried my best to help keep his spirits up with a supportive hand on the shoulder, a wink when he was down or a hand on the knee when he needed cheering up. I honestly thought I was being a good friend. He was just as friendly back so I thought I was doing the right thing for him.

The guys in the Warblers seemed to think there was more to our friendship than friendship and made no bones about telling me this. Kurt wasn't yet really one of the inner circle so Dave and Wes gave me all the grief. They told me that I was constantly singing to him during rehearsals. Honestly I had always singled out guys in the group to direct performances to and I tried to tell them that, but they insisted that I was flirting when I was singing. They picked on me for every little touch, every smile, every friendly gesture. They wouldn't shut up about it. I honestly thought that Kurt needed a friend at that point more than he needed a relationship so he was safely tucked into my "non-guy" category, same as Wes or David themselves. From everything I could see Kurt felt the same as I did.

Then I got a part in the Kings Island Christmas show and needed to practice. I tracked Kurt down in the common room and asked his help in practicing "Baby It's Cold Outside" I knew with his range he could handle the song no problem, and there really wasn't anyone else I felt comfortable asking. It was strange and the first chink in the relationship as it stood. We chased each other around the common room, flirting and acting out the song. Our voices were perfect and it was as if we had choreographed everything. At one point he was leaning over the back of the couch and I dropped to my knees in front of him and gave him puppy dog eyes as I sang.

We ended up side by side on the couch, leaning against each other from hip to shoulder, breathing heavily from the performance. For just a split second we locked eyes and there was this moment where it was all I could do to tear my eyes away from his. Then we both took a deep breath and the moment passed. Kurt told me that he felt I was ready for the show and I told him he was better than the girl I had to sing with. On my way out the door his old Glee coach walked in and I heard him ask Kurt about me, if I was someone special. At Kurt's response of "No, Just a friend" I knew I must have dreamed that split second connection.

**I honestly don't know what to say to this chapter, I can tell it is really lead up to a rather major change. I can tell you that there are PFLAG chapters at a few of the local schools that could use some "peer" counselors. I will see if I can get you in contact with them. I am looking forward to the continuation of this.**

AN: HARD TO WRITE. I don't want to spend forever on trivial stuff and too much detail since this is a reflective exercise. I hope I am giving enough to show the viewpoint. As always - thak you for the reviews and supportive comments.


	9. Chapter 9

Christmas was crazy that year. My parents and I went to the Phillipines to visit my mom's family. We didn't go often, but I was in love with the place. It was so different from being at home, such a different environment. Kurt was having a bit of a rough time at home. This was his first Christmas with his new family and he was having trouble adjusting. Since I didn't have international calling on my phone he and I spent time emailing or Facebook chatting. I told him all about my adventures, complete with lots of pictures, and he told me how odd it felt sitting down and watching The Sound of Music with Carole and Finn, instead of just his Dad. Apparently that was one of their traditions from when his mom was alive and it hurt to share it.

Sharing things with me never seemed to be uncomfortable with Kurt. I could hear the tears even over a chat window when he told me about how much he missed his mom that year. From what he said it wasn't so much having to share the tradition, it was sharing it with his Dad's wife and not his mother. He had been alright with the wedding and really was glad his dad was happy, but now he felt like his dad had forgotten his mom. All I could do was try and listen. I suggested he talk to his dad and maybe Carole about how he was feeling. It felt good when the next time we talked he said he had taken my advice and that they both understood.

Pretty soon the holidays were over and we were back at Dalton. I was so glad to be back in the Warblers, it was the only place in Dalton that I could really break lose and enjoy. We were getting ready for our next competition, against Kurt's old Glee club and we had to blow out all the stops. One of the funniest memories I have of that time was sitting down in the coffee shop with Kurt's two best girlfriends trying to rattle them on the competition. It turned out that nothing we could have said would have rattled them more than they were.

It was one of the singularly most bizarre situations I had ever heard of. Apparently in an effort to foster teamwork on the football team the coach and Glee director thought it would be a great idea to have the team join the glee club. Then the psychotic cheer coach rescheduled the cheer finals to the same night as the football game. The glee club lost 3 members and were going to have to perform the halftime show at the game. So then all the football players refused to perform and the coach kicked them off the team. Of course I had to make the stupid comment that they only needed 4 more players to field a team and the girls decided to play football. Of course Kurt and I had promised to go watch and he almost had a panic attack when one of the girls got tackled.

By halftime the McKinley kids were getting bashed. In an effort to try and bring everyone together Kurt's stepbrother and a friend convinced the football team to go on at the halftime show and the cheerleaders to come back. They performed the most amazing mashup of Thriller and Heads Will Roll, in full zombie makeup. They decided to keep the makeup on for the second half and actually pulled it out. They freaked out the opposing team on the final play chanting "brains" in full zombie makeup. Kurt's dad said it was the best game he had ever seen, other than the one game they won the previous year when Kurt played kicker and the team danced to Single Ladies on the field. Yeah, Kurt played football.

Kurt was my best friend. It had seemed so natural to sit in that coffee shop and tell the girls that "Of course we will come out to support you" It seemed like it was always "we", like we came as a pair. Kurt was the best friend I had ever had, too bad that friendship was about to be tested almost to breaking.

**Zombie makeup, football players in Glee club? I can imagine that it was odd for you to realize how different things were in the "real world" Dalton sounds fantastic but I sense you lacked the freedom there to be yourself. I wish this would have been a bit longer honestly, but I have the feeling that the break point was necessary. I have the feeling the next few aren't going to be as easy to write.**


	10. Chapter 10

First off I have to apologize for not turning in the last assignment. I don't think I have ever skipped an assignment in my life but I think I started this part about 10 times and kept deleting them. This is a part of my life that honestly am embarrassed about. That whole 16 going on 12 thing I talked about? This is definitely what I was talking about. Kurt and our friends from high school call this the Blaine-is-so-clueless-that-he-makes-a-total-ass-out-of-himself-multiple-times period. And they are definitely right.

It all started right before Valentine's day that year. I had been out at the mall doing some shopping and ended up at The Gap. While I was there one of the employees was being very helpful. He was totally gorgeous, tall with shoulder length wavy blond hair and brilliant blue eyes. We got chatting a bit and I ended up being so comfortable that I ended up outing myself without realizing it. The conversation turned to relationships and I talked about how hard it was to find someone. I ended up sticking around until he got off work and we went to the Starbucks in the mall and talked for an hour or two there.

Looking back on it now I can see that he was just being friendly with a insecure high school kid but at the time it seemed like so much more. After our second coffee date I was absolutely positive that I was in love. Here was this gorgeous guy paying attention to me, listening to my problems. It had to be because he liked me, right? I grabbed onto that and ran with it. It's funny that I never saw the parallels with Kurt's and my relationship until much later.

I was out for coffee with Kurt as usual when I brought up the subject of Valentine's Day. Kurt was totally down on the holiday, saying that it was just a commercial holiday. Of course I had to gush over how romantic it all was, telling someone how you feel. The only problem was I had severe problems expressing myself and so I asked Kurt if he thought it was over the top to sing to someone on Valentine's day. I told him that there was a guy I liked and I didn't know how to ask him out. Kurt told me that he thought it would be totally romantic and that I should go for it. So I did.

I called an emergency meeting of the Warblers and told them that I was in love. I asked their help in serenading Jeremiah of campus, without mentioning any names. When they were against the idea it was actually Kurt who came to my defense, arguing that the Warblers needed to step outside their comfort zone a bit in order to become more confident. He was actually the one that convinced them to agree.

I couldn't have picked a more inappropriate song in reflection. I mean really, Robin Thicke's "When I Get You Alone?" I almost chickened out when we got there, telling Kurt that it was a stupid idea and we should just forget it. He convinced me to go for it, assuring me that Jeremiah would love it. He was there for me afterward when I sat questioning if I had been stupid. He comforted me when Jeremiah turned me down flat, telling me he had been fired and outed and that if our coffee dates had actually been dates he would have been arrested as he was too much older than me. Kurt was right there to help pick up the pieces.

Looking back I can see how badly I hurt him, and not for the last time either. When we went for coffee the next afternoon he told me that he thought he was the one I wanted to ask out. He pointed out our practice at Christmas and how flirty I had been, pointed out how much time we spent together and asked what he had been expected to think. He honestly blew me away in that moment, because I had never thought about those things in that light before. I mean he was my best friend and I had never looked at him in that way before, at least not for more than a split second.

I felt so bad that he thought I was leading him on, that was not my intention. All I knew was that his friendship was more important to me than anything I had ever had in my life. I was scared to death to lose that, I think I would have been totally lost without him. I had no clue what I was doing and I told him that. I had just made a total fool out of myself in front of both the Warblers and a bunch of random strangers, I couldn't think of anything beyond that at the moment. I had just put everything on the line and been shot down, I couldn't risk losing Kurt by doing something totally stupid that would have him hating me in the end. So I told him that. He listened and seemed to understand and made some joke about "When Harry Met Sally". Then he told me about an idea he had for Valentine's Day.

We ended up having a "Lonely Hearts Club" night at Breadsticks. He invited all his friends from McKinley and the Warblers performed "Silly Love Songs". It was funny, because even with the talk of friends and not ruining things we ended up singing to each other for a good portion of the song. It was just natural for me to gravitate towards him in performances and we looked at each other and laughed as we sang. Nothing seemed awkward and it felt fantastic to know he was still there.

**First off I hate to tell you that I do have to count off for the failure to turn in the last assignment. This assignment isn't about perfect writing or technical writing, it is about forcing yourself to look deeper and understand yourself. We all have times in our lives that we aren't proud of and we would rather forget, but those times are what makes us who we are. I fully expect you to dig deep here, you did such a good job with your earlier assignments, you need to get back down to that level and really take a good look. **

AN: Blaine really didn't want to talk about this, I basically had to lock him in his room and threaten never to let him out. I can't even watch the WIGYA performance when I watch the episode because it is honestly painful to watch. I just wanted to reach through the screen and smack the boy silly. I'm honestly not really happy with how this turned out, but it is what it is.


	11. Chapter 11

You're right, I have kind of skated by a bit on some of this. I guess in part it is hard because, while it is one thing to write about things that effected ME, from the point Kurt and I became close my actions effected him too. I didn't realize at the time how badly I hurt him and I don't really like thinking about that.

It was a few weeks after Valentine's Day and things had pretty much gotten back to normal between Kurt and I. The whole "reveal" of his feelings had been pushed to the back of my mind and Kurt didn't bring it up again. We were at the coffee shop one day when he told me about a party that his friend Rachel was throwing over the weekend. It was actually for the McKinley Glee club but Kurt had apparently found porn on his stepbrother's laptop and threatened to tell their parents unless he and I got to go to the party. Trust Kurt to stoop to blackmail, he always was one to do what was necessary to get what he wanted.

I was scared to death to go. These were Kurt's closest friends and I was just some guy in their rival club. I knew Rachel and Mercedes and Finn, but all I knew about the rest of them was what Kurt had told me. I was terrified about what they would think of me. I was worried that they would think that I was leading Kurt on or that I was just trying to spy on them. I didn't know at the time why I was so worried about what they would think of me, but looking back I knew that New Directions was a family and even though he was at Dalton Kurt was very much a part of that. I wanted to make a good impression.

I will tell you right now that a lot of what I know about that night is based more on stories I have been told than actual memories. I pulled out "Dalton Blaine" and dressed carefully for the party. I made sure that every hair was in place and met Kurt and Finn at their house as we were all riding together. It was always a slight shock to see Kurt out of uniform by now but he was dressed in tight black jeans with a red button down shirt and a chest strap. I can say that while his fashion sense was never traditional he looked great.

The party was about ready to break up before it even started when one of Kurt's friends broke into Rachel's dads liquor cabinet. Rachel was in a lot of ways a female version of Kurt, the same diva tendencies, snarky wit etc, less the fashion sense. My nerves were on edge and when Puck handed me a cup of rum and Coke I took it gratefully. I really had no plans on getting drunk that night but I really needed to calm down a bit. One big fallacy in life : Teenage boys just having one drink. Next thing I knew I was jamming on the stage, head bashing and falling all over Kurt's stepbrother.

Everyone was as drunk as I was, or so I thought. Kurt told me later that he and Finn hadn't been drinking, but everyone else was smashed. One of the girls was dancing on top of a table in a pink bra, there were couples making out, and two girls on the couch giggling like they couldn't stop. Then Rachel yelled something about spin the bottle and before long we were all of the floor with random kisses going on.

I remember leaning on Kurt laughing at all his crazy drunk friends, not even thinking that I was one of them. Then the bottle landed on me. I was scared to death, I had never really kissed anyone, at least not for real. Kurt was yelling encouragements as Rachel leaned across the circle towards me. All I really remember was her lips on mine, they were soft and god did it feel good. I got what everyone was talking about, especially when her hands tangled in my hair and she pulled me closer.

From what I was told later I spent the rest of the party with Rachel. I vaguely remember singing a duet on her stage and more kisses in the corner. I don't remember Kurt sitting on the piano bench watching us with hurt eyes. I don't remember Kurt and Finn dragging me to the car. I don't remember having to stop more than once on the way to their house to throw up. I don't remember passing out in Kurt's bed, fully clothed. Apparently that's what happened though.

When Kurt and I went for coffee the next afternoon Rachel called me. I remembered how good it felt kissing her, thinking about how beautiful I thought she was and when she asked me out I said yes. That one simple word led to one of Kurt's and my worst fights ever. Kurt insisted that I was leading her on because I was gay and had been drunk when we kissed. I told him that I enjoyed kissing her and that maybe I wasn't so sure anymore. He yelled at me about sneaking back into the closet and told me that bi wasn't a legitimate choice. I can still hear him saying that bi is a term that gay guys use so they can play straight and feel normal. He pissed me off so badly.

I asked him why he was so angry about everything, which was probably the dumbest question I have ever asked in my life and he told me that it was because he looked up to me. If I had taken a moment to step back I might have remembered that just two weeks before he told me he had feelings for me. The only thing I could concentrate on at the moment was that my best friend was telling me that he couldn't take me questioning myself. I ended up telling him he was just like his bullies and storming out.

Rachel and I went on our date and had a great time. We laughed and talked and just basically enjoyed ourselves at the movies. I gave her a hug when I dropped her off at home and laid in bed thinking about the night. Honestly the date did nothing to help settle my mind. Yes I had had a great time with her, but I had a great time with a lot of my friends when we did things. I think the reason I didn't kiss her was because deep down I knew that it wasn't what I wanted. At the time though I thought I was being a gentleman.

Kurt and I hadn't talked since our fight the previous week and Monday after school found me back in the coffee shop after rehearsal, alone. Rachel came up to me in line and just laid one on me in the middle of the coffee shop. I was almost relieved when I felt nothing, no sparks, no desire to take things further, nothing. I remember looking at her and telling her I was 100% gay. I took off for the bathroom to just be by myself for a minute and when I came back Kurt was standing there with a coffee for me.

We sat down and talked. It was awkward at first but then I apologized for being an ass and treating him like I did. I explained that that was MY first real kiss and that I had been really confused. He told me about playing straight with the girl in the pink bra for a week to make things easier between he and his dad the previous year. He also explained that he and Rachel, while friends, were always in competition in Glee. He told me about intentionally throwing a note in a contest between the two of them for a solo because his dad had gotten a threatening phone call at the shop.

It turned out that we both had a lot of issues that led to the argument. While Kurt was out and proud and tried to act like what people though of him didn't matter he admitted that me being able to "look straight" bugged him sometimes. I was able to hang with the guys easily while he fought for respect from most of them, at least in his mind. He admitted that the idea of me dating Rachel felt like something else was being taken away from him by her. Never once did the issue of his feelings about me come up and it stayed swept under the rug. I don't know looking back if it would have been easier or harder if it had been brought up again. Probably harder because I just wasn't ready to face that. Maybe that's why the whole Rachel thing happened, because I wasn't ready to deal with it.

**WOW when you guys decided to fight you did it right didn't you? Alcohol and teenagers is never a good mix, because they rarely know how to deal with it. I can tell just by how you wrote this that even without saying it you had some feelings that you didn't know how to deal with in regards to Kurt. The fact that you pointed out that Rachel was like a female Kurt said a lot right there. I think in part she was a "safe" alternative. I have the feeling that the drama isn't over yet. Right?**

AN: WOW. Looking at subtext and such is fun. Another SMACK BLAINE UPSIDE THE HEAD moment. I really had gotten to want to beat the shit out of him when this episode first aired. I remember yelling at the TV that he was an idiot and just to get off his ass and figure it out. Next time: Sexy and all the awkwardness.


	12. Chapter 12

AN: One of my earlier reviewers suggested a "conversation" chapter between Blaine and his professor and at the time I really didn't give it much thought. The further I get into the uncomfortable period between SLS and OS the less Blaine seems to want to open up. I figure this was a good way to explore why. I am a total review!junkie, send your friends on over or if you haven't let me know yet what you think, please do so. It is the only way I get better.

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><p>"Professor Miller, do you have a minute?"<p>

Randy Miller looked up from the essays he was grading to see Blaine leaning against the door frame to his office. "Of course, Mr Anderson, come in."

Blaine walked across the office to sit at one of the chairs across the desk from Professor Miller. Unlike his usual perfect posture he slumped down in the chair, leg tucked under him and his hands worrying the strap on his messenger bag. "I don't know what to do" he said abruptly.

"You are going to have to give me more than that to go on Blaine" the older man said trying to hide a slight grin "What exactly is it you are having problems with?"

"It's this whole assignment thing. I don't understand why it was so easy in the beginning. I had no problem writing about what it felt like coming out and the bullying and the beat down, but now I just feel like I can't do it and I don't know why." Blaine was practically speaking into his lap as he sat with his eyes facing the floor.

"Let me ask you a question. How did you feel writing about coming to terms with your sexuality?"

"It almost felt like I was looking back at someone else's life, like I am so far removed from the situation that it's not even me. Really it isn't me anymore, I got past the questioning and came out stronger for it." Blaine replied looking his professor in the eyes.

"OK, how about when you think of Dalton and your time with the Warblers?"

"Dalton became home for me. The guys I sang with were more than my friends, they became people I could depend on. Being the lead made me feel so much more confident, it felt like I had finally found something that I could excel at, both in my own eyes and in other people's. Honestly it made me feel like I was important and popular for the first time in my life" Blaine said with a twinkle in his eye and a smile on his face.

"So I can easily say that you don't have a problem with expressing yourself or how you feel in general. I can also say both from your writing and listening to you today that you have a very good grasp on your analysis of situations and their implications. What does it feel like when you start trying to explain the situations you are writing about now, the beginning of your relationship with Kurt?"

"Honestly I don't want to look at it, and that's the problem. I know that it is all in the past and that Kurt and I are strong and solid, but thinking about all that really makes me wonder why he fell in love with me in the first place. I mean, he had apparently been interested in me from the first time we met and I put him through so much during the first few months we knew each other. I don't know if I would have held on for that long and it just reminds me that I was only one misstep away from not having him in my life." Blaine had returned to his original posture, almost turned into himself and staring at the floor.

"Honestly looking back I am worried that I am going to do something stupid again and lose everything we have. If I could have been that insensitive and clueless back then, and he just put up with it because of how he felt about me, how do I know that I haven't done the same thing since then and he just swept it under the rug because he didn't want to tell me? How do I know that he would tell me if I have done something to hurt him? It was like he was so close to giving up back then, and he never told me. I don't know if I could make it through that." Blaine had silent tears running down his cheeks as he took a deep breath to try and compose himself. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be dumping all of this on you."

"It's ok, Psych professors end up being part time shrinks or at least I do. Let me ask you a question. Have you and Kurt ever talked, and I mean really talked about all of this?"

"Not in so many words, no. I mean we worked through our issues at the time and then just kinda got on with our lives. That stuff is so far in the past now, I mean 4 years, and I can't see how it is all relevant now. Won't bringing it up just make things worse? I mean do I really want to remind him about all that stuff?"

Professor Miller thought a moment before answering "Honestly, it doesn't sound like you ever really worked through the issues Blaine, at least you didn't. You still sound like you are scared to death that Kurt will decide that you aren't good enough for him. The past is something we have to learn from, whether that lesson is good bad or neutral. You know the saying 'Failure to understand history means you are doomed to repeat it'? They say that for a reason. That is part of what this exercise is about, learning who you are, what motivates you, what drives you.

"I honestly think you need to take the time to talk to Kurt. Maybe explain to him that I assigned this project and that it has brought up some things that you need to talk about. Don't focus on apologies, as you said it is past. Focus on what looking back on the issues has made you think. Make sure he understands that you need him to be honest and not sit back and take things because it is you. Let him know about your insecurities. Let him in rather than dealing with all this on your own. THEN I think you will be able to really look into yourself for the assignment and get what you need to out of it."

Blaine looked at him with a small smile "You know you are right. The one thing that Kurt and I have always said is that we can be completely honest. I need to face this, the fear. I don't know why it scared me so much, because I know he loves me. I appreciate you listening and for the advice. I don't need to 'turn into' that 17 year old again in order to look back and evaluate it." He stood and reached out to shake his professor's hand. "I can't say thank you enough."

"No problem at all Blaine," replied Professor Miller "Just remember that the next exercise is due on Wednesday, and I expect to see some real soul searching."

"Don't worry, you will" Blaine said over his shoulder as he walked out of the office and into the hall.


	13. Chapter 13

I don't think anyone ever really thinks about how fragile we are as human beings. So many things can break us. While physically it can be seen in the veterans in their wheelchairs, the guy with the broken wrist in the cast or the funeral procession that winds down the street, emotional pain is harder to see and deal with. Sometimes the strongest people you know are the ones who can be broken the easiest and the most permanently. Sometimes the ones you think are the strongest are the ones who have the most to lose. Sometimes all at once you manage to break two people.

It all started out simply enough, as usual over a cup of coffee. We were two weeks out of our Regionals competition and Kurt and I were on our usual coffee "date" when his old cheer coach approached us in line. Kurt tried to convince me that she was just trying to sabotage the competition, but all I could grasp onto was the fact that the judges were apparently looking for "sexy" that year and I ran full force with it.

I called an emergency meeting and explained everything to the Warblers. We were typically so polished and proper that this was going to be a step outside most of our comfort zones. We bounced ideas back and forth and finally decided on a song. I was so excited and nervous about the contest and the change in direction that I never noticed how stiff Kurt was during the meeting. I never noticed that he said absolutely nothing the whole time. I didn't notice that he was turning slowly paler than normal and that his hands were shaking. Wes and David told me later though, but not until after the fact.

We set up a dress rehearsal in front of the girls from our sister school in an old warehouse, complete with scaffolding and a foam cannon. Kurt looked so uncomfortable during the whole performance, like he had taken cues from "Animal Planet" He kept making odd gestures and his faces looked like grimaces. Considering that the two of us had the leads on the song it was even more obvious than if he was in the background.

After the performance I asked what was up and he told me that he was being sexy. Of course, sensitive guy that I was, I told him he looked like he was in pain and not sexy. When he told me that he didn't know how to be sexy, or even that much about sex itself, it floored me. What teenage guy makes it to 16 being that innocent and clueless? So of course, being the good friend that I was, I offered to teach him what I knew and help him with being sexy. He was almost in tears when he threw me out of his room.

It's funny looking back that I ever thought Kurt wasn't sexy when he performed. Much later I got so see some of his performance videos from New Directions and when he wasn't obviously trying he was the sexiest thing I had ever seen. He was so confident with them and that confidence showed through in his performances. Kurt doing Brittney Spears and Madonna? OH MY GOD. But of course at the time I hadn't seen any of those and all I knew was that he felt that he didn't want to know anything. So what does the good friend do? Go to his dad.

Honestly Kurt being that innocent scared me. Especially after the party at Rachel's and seeing how my own actions were influenced by alcohol, all I could picture was some guy taking advantage of Kurt one day and him having no clue. I knew he wouldn't listen to me, but he had to listen to someone. I never had a close enough relationship with my dad to talk about guys and sex and relationships, I had to learn everything on the internet or from my friends. Kurt just hid his head in the sand and pretended that it didn't exist and I couldn't let that happen. At the time I tried to tell myself that I was just being a good friend. I honestly worried about him more that I EVER did any of my other friends so that should have told me something.

Do you have any idea how uncomfortable it was to go to Burt and recommend that he have a discussion with Kurt about sex? He seemed to want to pawn it off on me as the "resident gay friend" but Kurt wouldn't talk to me. So I put on my best "friend" face and pulled out "Dalton Blaine" and talked to his dad. I told him to take advantage of the relationship they had and make the most of it. I knew I was overstepping but I didn't care. I cared about Kurt being safe and cared for and I never wanted to see him hurt.

I don't really know if it was a result of the aborted discussion in his room or the discussion with his dad, but Kurt was almost cold after that. We still talked, walked to classes together and sat together at practices, but he was just a step further away. He never quite met my eyes when we talked, he sat a bit further away on the couch and conversations became trivial. It was like he was there but all the closeness that our friendship had brought was gone.

He had always seemed so confident in who he was, so strong and proud that I didn't get it. I didn't understand that underneath it all, even after our talk, was this scared guy. I didn't know that he had questioned all his life if he deserved love. I didn't understand until later that most of his insecurities with sex came from a fear that he would never find someone who cared enough about him that he would never get to experience love. I didn't know until his dad told me that he had cried and talked about never being able to hold hands with someone or dance at his prom. All I knew at the time was that I had broken something between us in seconds that had taken months to develop.

I realized that I had broken both of us at our next rehearsal. Kurt wouldn't look at me when we started. I did my normal, reaching down and pulling him up, slinging an arm over his shoulder and dragging him along. This time it felt like I WAS dragging him though. When we sat down on the bench and I sang, head on his shoulder looking up at him, he gave the little half smile that I knew was the one he showed when he was trying to look happy. When he finally got up and started dancing along with everyone else I thought it was all going to be alright finally. But it wasn't.

When I asked him what he thought of the song he honestly floored me. He basically told me that I was an attention hog, that I made the Warblers all about me and actually called us "Blaine and the Pips". Then he walked away without a backwards glance. That night there was no coffee after rehearsal, no phone calls or texts. There was NOTHING and I felt more alone than I had in years.

**I wanted to thank you for trusting me enough to talk to the other day. I know this has been hard for you, especially since your relationship with Kurt is so tied to your self realization and growth. Yes people break, but they do manage to put the pieces back together, usually with some help. Considering that both of us know the outcome of all this I think I can safely say that somewhere in here will be the light at the end of the tunnel? **


	14. Chapter 14

Looking back through this assignment has shown me that so much of who I have become IS tied to Kurt's and my relationship. It seems weird to say that my life started over a dead canary, but it is so true. Looking back on it I can see how much I almost missed out on and how different my life would have been without him. I would have stayed that emotionally guarded person, putting the game face on for the world most likely. I am getting ahead of myself though, so let's back up a bit here.

After the disaster that was the "sex" discussion and Kurt's sniping at me over solos and being a conceited idiot, the next time I saw or spoke to him is the one that literally changed my life. We were arguing over stupid stuff in preparation for Regionals in the choir room and Kurt was conspicuously absent. No matter what he had going on he never missed practices so I was concerned. Then the door to the room opened and I went from concerned to panicked.

Kurt stood in the doorway dressed head to toe in black. We aren't talking a black suit here though, not Kurt. He was wearing a black silk shirt under a black tailed waistcoat. Slim gold chains ran between the buttons of the coat and a single skull accent trailed from one. Knee high black riding boots covered the slim black fitted pants. The look on his face was so broken I could only stand and ask what was wrong, imagining that his dad had another heart attack or something similar. I wasn't expecting it when he told all of us that Pavarotti had died.

At first I was a little confused, all this for a canary? But then he spoke talking about how he felt that Pav was his one close friend, was the one who inspired him and made him smile. To him this was something profound. When he was given Pav to care for he was told that the bird was his voice, and I think he took that to heart. All I could do was stare when he made another snipe about do-wooping behind me while I sang all the solos and then he was singing.

Music has always been something important to me. Music was how I expressed how I felt, it was how I connected with people, but this was something like I have never seen. To the quiet instrumental tape of the Beatles Kurt poured his heart into "Blackbird", silent tears streaming down his face, voice pure and strong. For the first time I could remember I started the background, singing behind him and just reveling in the swelling of voices as all the Warblers joined me.

Then I looked up and caught Kurt's eye for a split second before he turned and walked to the other side of the room and it was like I couldn't breathe. What I saw in those eyes and heard as he sang was nothing less than RAW. This was emotion pouring out in a way that I had never seen. Kurt had told me that at McKinley when someone in Glee Club had something they needed to express – they sang. In that moment I saw not the scared boy I met months before; not the "Dalton Boy" who walked the halls in his immaculate uniform so proper and reserved. I didn't even see the boy who had spent so many nights watching movies and so many afternoons drinking coffee with me. It was like I SAW Kurt for the first time, without all the masks and the preconceptions and, I can't even describe it.

What I saw in front of me was a man I had to know better, one that I needed in my life in ways I never even understood. I don't think I had ever understood what it really meant to feel that deeply. It was breathtaking. All at once so many things came crashing down in my head, spinning around and settling into patterns I never even dreamed of. "I thought the person you wanted to ask out on Valentine's Day" suddenly sounded like "Do you understand that I am offering you my heart, that I want you to have it and I want you to understand how I feel". The anger over the "Rachel scare" sounded a lot less like "I look up to you" and a lot more like "I knew it was too good to be true. I am such a loser that he would rather be straight than ever look at me as more than a silly little kid". And the "I don't want to screw this up" that I offered him on Valentine's day really meant "You have no clue how much I want this Kurt, but I am too scared that I will lose what we have. I'm scared that I will do something stupid and you will end up hating me. I don't know what to do, how to give you what you deserve, don't ever leave me"

It was amazing how much ran through my head in the space of less than a minute. I wanted to grab him up in my arms and kiss away the tears and never let him go. I wanted to do everything I could to make him happy for as long as I possibly could. I realized that what Kurt and I had become had long ago surpassed the friend stage, I just had never been able to see that. God I never knew it was possible to feel this much, and I so badly wanted to just blurt it all out, but I couldn't.

**All that in the space of a minute? I'm impressed Mr Anderson. Sometimes there comes that defining moment in your life that just changes everything, kind of weird that yours was a bird dying. From what you say Kurt wasn't even speaking to you at that point. Please tell me you didn't serenade him in public.**


	15. Chapter 15

Am I really that transparent? NO I didn't serenade him, at least not then, but I actually thought about it and planned it all out. I am pretty transparent I guess.

It was a very confusing time for me after Blackbird. It was like that momentary awakening just brought more questions to my mind than it answered. The biggest question and the one that scared me the most was if I was too late. I mean Kurt wasn't even speaking to me. After realizing that the person that I wanted to be with was right in front of me, I realized that he wasn't, not anymore. I didn't know how to fix that.

I also was trying to figure out why it had taken so long to realize that Kurt had long been more than just my friend, whether I put a label to it or not. He and I were so much closer than any of my friends and their girlfriends, that fact was not in dispute. So why was it that I never saw him as "boyfriend" material?

I think it all boiled down to the fact that we WERE so close. Looking at all the relationships around me, it seemed like they were so much more superficial than what Kurt and I had. When the guys talked about their girlfriends, it wasn't about how close they were, how well they got along or anything like that. It seemed to always be about "Dates" and making out and how HOT their girls were. There was the popularity of having a girlfriend on the cheer leading squad, or one that all the other guys thought were attractive. There didn't seem to be the type of closeness I was used to with Kurt. Plus the average length of most of my friends relationships seemed to be measured in a few short months. It all seemed so shallow and physical where Kurt's and my relationship was anything but.

More than anything I wanted Kurt to know how I felt, wanted to let him know that he hadn't been wrong all those months. I had no idea how to do it, and then the next Warbler meeting happened.

I could really understand how pissed Kurt was about the whole solo thing, listening to the discussion that day. We were discussing final song selections for the competition and it was all "Blaine's better than the original", "Blaine sounds great in that song" but I finally had it when Thad suggested that I just pick the song I wanted to sing and they would fall in line. Without even thinking about it I told them how sick of it all I was. There were plenty of strong singers in the group and I told the council that they were being left out.

Then I looked at Kurt, who was just sitting there staring at me and I knew how to make at least part of this all up to him. I told the council that I wanted to do a duet for our opening number and when put to a vote everyone agreed. Kurt asked to have his name put on the audition list and I immediately said that I wanted to do the duet with him, without any auditions. Maybe the other Warblers felt sorry for Kurt since he was so upset about losing Pav or maybe they had seen what I hadn't been able to; but amazingly EVERYONE, even the council agreed and I even saw Wes sneak me a little wink. That accomplished, all I had to do was pick the perfect song to say everything I needed Kurt to hear.

I left the meeting quickly, offering Kurt a pat on the shoulder and a smile. Now that I look back on it, I realize it was very manipulative of me to ask to do that duet with Kurt. Of course he would jump at the chance to do it. And the time we would have to spend together would be my opportunity to win back his affections. Back in my room I went through my iPod looking for the perfect song. I didn't want anything too flashy, to sexual, or too depressing. It had to perfectly say what I felt and what I needed him to hear. I specifically went through the playlist I had of songs Kurt recommended to me, ones that were out of my normal favorites. I found the perfect song for the duet. It's funny because it was written as a breakup song but it said everything I needed to say. All I needed to do was let Kurt listen to the words as we sang, and I hoped he would understand.

When I found him, he was sitting in the common room surrounded by beads and glue. When I asked what he was doing he told me he was decorating Pav's casket. That was so typically Kurt, doing his best to care for his friend and provide him with the best send off possible. I have never been so nervous in my life. I mean, whatever happened today could change the rest of my life in so many ways. Things still weren't back to normal between us and I was scared about opening up to him. With as strained as things had been there was every possibility that he would tell me to get lost, and that he never wanted to speak to me again. I had to do it though.

I told him that I had found the song for our duet and he was impressed with the choice, at least from what he said. Then he asked me the question that I was so hoping to avoid. "Why did you pick me to sing that song with?" I couldn't avoid it now, there was no way I could blow it off and let the song speak for me. I was going to have to answer him.

Kurt still remembers each and every word I said, and loves to remind me of them. I told him that there is a time that you realize that the person you are looking for is right in front of you. I reached out and took his hand and told him that watching him sing for Pav was the moment that I realized how much he meant to me. I know I almost blurted out "I love you", but I wasn't quite there yet so I told him he moved me. He just sat there, staring at me, with too many emotions running through his eyes for me to process. It seemed like all the words in the world couldn't express what I was feeling, what I needed him to understand, and I needed him to understand. There was one thing that I knew he would understand so I leaned in and kissed him. For a moment I thought that I had made a mistake, because he didn't immediately respond. Then the next thing I knew his hand was on my cheek and he was kissing me back. I knew in that moment that this was what I needed and wanted.

I have never been much of a risk taker where emotions are concerned, and showing Kurt how my feelings for him had changed was a huge risk for me. I knew everything was going to be alright when I hid my head and nervously told Kurt that we should practice. Kurt's response was to look at me and flirtatiously say "I thought we were". It was like we flew across the table at each other, lips exploring and hands grasping. From that day forward "practice" was our code word for making out. We had a lot of stuff to work out, but that is a story for another day.

And before you say anything, yes I kissed him before I asked him out. We never did have a conventional relationship.

**Not much I can say to that one. Interesting insight into your reasoning on the ****friendship thing. I remember High School too well as well as college and yes, the relationships seemed fleeting and shallow sometimes. I can tell you that the ones that lasted were the ones based on friendship and not the hormones of youth.**


	16. Chapter 16

**OK – by popular demand – Klaine talks, Blaine breaks down, and insecurities come to light**

Looking around the apartment Blaine could appreciate how far he and Kurt had come over the years. Back in High School he and Kurt had to struggle with the distance after Kurt transferred back to McKinley. Senior year they had to stand strong while the narrow minded refused to see them as anything but different. Their dream of coming to New York after graduation almost turned into a nightmare after the stress of school and real life threatened to tear them apart. They had somehow made it through it all.

The two of them were relaxing on the couch in their apartment on a lazy Saturday afternoon, largely ignoring the TV in front of them. They both relished these days, the small time spent together away from the pressures of assignments and rehearsals and conflicting schedules. They both had chosen to double major and it was hard keeping up sometimes. Blaine was had chosen to combine his love of music with his "mentoring" side and had chosen Music theory and composition as well as Education, with the goal of teaching special needs children. Kurt of course had combined his two favorite things, Music performance and fashion design, figuring if he didn't make the Broadway stage as he hoped he could work in costume design. Neither program left them much time for just them.

Blaine was laying across the couch with his head in Kurt's lap enjoying the feel of Kurt's fingers running through his curls when Kurt reached for the remote and muted the TV.

"Can I talk to you for a minute B?" Kurt asked quietly. "You've been really quiet lately and while I haven't pressed I know something is going on with you. Is it something I can help with or just something you need to deal with on your own?"

"Oh God Kurt" Blaine replied, not quite able to look him fully in the eye "I'm sorry. I know I haven't been all here lately but I didn't think it was that noticeable. It's kinda a long story and a bit weird and even harder to put in words, but I can try."

"That's all I can ask honey" Kurt said quietly "I just want you to remember that whatever it is we are in this together and you can talk to me about anything. Honesty and courage, remember? Now just talk to me. Lack of eloquence aside, I think we can figure it out."

Blaine took a deep breath and sat up on the couch, turning to sit cross legged facing Kurt. He slowly reached out to take his hands and looked up into his eyes. "It all started with a project that Professor Miller assigned for my Psych class. It has kind of been an ongoing journal project, but rather than dealing with our lives now, we have been looking back on the things that make us US. It's been hard, for a lot of reasons, but recently it has really been getting to me."

Kurt ran slow circles over the back of Blaine's hand with his thumbs as he waited for Blaine to continue. "It started out simple enough, thinking back on the realization of my sexuality and everything that come along with that. It was hard thinking back on the stress of my relationship with my parents, my decision to come out, the bullies and the beatings. I felt so alone for such a long time when I was younger and that kind of brought it all back."

"Then I moved onto Dalton and joining the Warblers and finding a place where I fit in. It was the first time when I felt that I was really accepted, just for being me. It felt so good to finally be able to shine and to be part of something bigger than myself. I got thinking about how important I thought it was to BE something, to receive the applause and the attention. Looking back it seems like I was being shallow in some ways."

"B, we all want to stand out, to be noticed. There's nothing wrong with that. I did it enough myself, with the fashion and the 'In Your Face' attitude long enough to know what you are talking about, trust me. I mean come on, I wore a corset to class, at a public school, in OHIO."

"I kinda wish that Mercades had kept the pictures of that, I bet you looked fantastic, but that's not really what I was getting at. I realized that through all of that I was still hiding. I went from trying to lay low at my old school to blending in at Dalton while all the while screaming for attention. It's funny you know, that I told you that you weren't going to make it as a Warbler if you just wanted to be noticed, and that's all I did, get the attention. That is one of the first things that really got me thinking on this project and one of many things I regret."

Kurt opened his mouth to interrupt but Blaine silenced him with a finger on his lips. "I need to get this out Kurt and right now I need you to listen. The further on I got with this assignment the more regrets I found myself having. I realized how many times I hurt you, in the beginning and I think it hurt even more to realize that you just stayed right there no matter what I did. I mean, not only was I totally clueless as to how you felt, but even after you outright told me I still continued to hurt you. And it scares me that somehow, I might be that clueless and insensitive again and you wouldn't say anything, just stay and take it and I'd never know. I never want to hurt you Kurt and thinking of all the ways I did tears me up inside." Blaine found himself looking away with silent tears running down his cheeks.

"I mean really, how did I never realize how much you meant to me until a damn bird died? God that was so pathetic. I mean even after you opened up to me, I was too scared to admit to myself that I wanted you, as more than a friend. I honestly thought that taking that gamble would automatically end what we had and make it into something cheaper and temporary. I told you I had feelings for Rachel, of all people, and didn't think how that would make you feel. And then when you told me I thought YOU were being insensitive. I basically told you that you were unattractive and then I pressed you beyond your comfort zone and then you were GONE Kurt. You were right there but you were GONE and it scared the hell out of me. And I am so afraid that will happen again, that I will do or say something and you'll be GONE."

Kurt gently placed his hands on Blaine's cheeks and drew his head up, looking him straight in the eyes. "Blaine, I need you to listen to me and really hear what I am about to say ok sweetie? I love you. You are everything to me. Yes we went through some shit to get here, but WE are stronger for it. As much as I would have loved to have fallen in your arms right after Teenage Dream, we never would have gotten this far if we did. We are here and strong BECAUSE of all that stuff. Being your friend just made me love you more, and that has never stopped. Honesty, remember B, that is what keeps us strong. Don't I call you our when you get bitchy before a big project? Didn't I tell you we needed to talk tonight, because I realized something was up? Trust me you have come a long way from the 'clueless Warbler' I knew. And I promise if you ever do something that hurts me, I will tell you and we will work it out"

Falling into his arms, the only thing that Blaine could do was to whisper over and over again "I love you, Thank you, I love you."


	17. Chapter 17

First thing I will tell you is that Kurt and I had that talk you recommended and it really helped. He was so supportive and understanding and made me realize that we have grown beyond so much of that. He is actually the one that started it, he said that I had been off and quiet recently and he wanted to help. So much for him sitting back and taking me treating him insensitively, never going to happen. Thanks again for the advice.

I think I left off with "The Kliss" as our friends came to call it. It's funny how everyone around us saw how much we meant to each other before we did. They were even taking bets on when we would get together. Yet another bit of evidence in the "Blaine is clueless" story of my life. Looking back I can see it though because even after we finally got together nothing really changed between Kurt and I. We still had our coffee dates, still sat around watching movies until late at night, and still shared everything with each other. There were some distinct benefits though – lots of kissing and cuddling and stolen moments.

From the first time I kissed Kurt it was like we just fit together so perfectly. Neither of us had any real experience with the "physical" side of relationships and neither of us had ever really dated so I would have thought it would be awkward, but it wasn't. Aside from the fact that Kurt had this tendency to break out into giggles at REALLY awkward times for awhile there wasn't anything weird about it. The physical act of kissing him was enough to take my breath away; it was everything I ever could have hoped for.

I still remember how his lips tasted that day and every day since, a combination of coffee and sugar and just Kurt. At first he didn't kiss me back and I thought I had done something wrong, maybe he didn't want this, want me. I swear my heart stopped when I heard his sharp intake of breath and felt his hand come up to caress my cheek. The feel of his lips moving against mine, the way he pulled my lower lip gently between his teeth as we separated, the sound of his hand falling to the table top. It was like every sense was heightened. It always was with Kurt.

When we came back together it was just like home. It was like this was where I was always supposed to have been, with Kurt's tongue against mine, Kurt's hands tangling in my hair, Kurt's chest pressing against mine when he pulled me to him. I never realized how strong he actually was with that slim lithe body until he was wrapped around me. How perfectly our hands fit together, fingers slotting naturally into position. It felt like we were meant for each other.

God so many things I never realized or even dreamed to hope for. Someone that wanted me, in so many senses of the word, someone that was just THERE and knew me better than I knew myself in so many ways. For someone that was so scared of the physical aspects of a relationship Kurt surprised both of us. Without any prompting at all he knew just how to find that sweet spot under my ear that made me go nuts. He instinctively knew that my collarbone was begging to be kissed and nibbled and licked.

I can't even begin to count the hours we spent on the couch in that common room, curled up against each other, hands tentatively running along arms and under blazers and sweaters. It was like I never wanted to let go, never wanted to part from those sweet lips. It felt amazing, Kurt's breath brushing my ear as he told me that he had dreamed since our lunch at McKinley that mine had been his first kiss. Telling me that at Christmas he wanted to tell me that he would stay and show me how delicious his lips really were, telling me that he had wanted to be the one to show me that I was in fact 100% gay. Damned if he didn't prove that many times over the years.

I could just lose myself in those eyes. When he would look at me for awhile it was this mix of amazement and longing and emotion all wrapped up in one. It was like he was taking me in, opening his soul to me with just a look. People say that the eyes are the windows to the soul; that was even more evident with Kurt. His emotions played out in his eyes like a mood ring, changing colors from green to grey to bright blue. But they were always open and inviting and transparent. A look from under the lashes with a slight tilt of the head could melt me inside and turn me on more than I ever thought possible. The first time that he trailed lips down my chest and looked up into my eyes, never breaking contact with lips and tongue I swear I died on the spot.

I never really knew what I was hoping for. I mean knowing you are gay makes it so much harder. It's not like there are guys lined up like the girls are for the football players. You wonder what you really have to look forward to in life. You learn to guard your looks, your touches, your feelings for fear of how someone will read them. You are told by large parts of society that you are wrong and twisted and deviant. Too many people still think that gay means quick hookups in a bar bathroom, leering at every guy's body in the locker room and wanting to screw anything male that moves. Sometimes it's hard to hope for anything substantial.

What I found with Kurt was something that anyone would love to dream of. I don't know if it was because of our friendship or the shit we went through in the past, but what we found was deeper than I ever imagined. Much deeper than what I ever hoped for or even thought was possible at the age of 17. You aren't supposed to find permanence in high school, aren't supposed to make plans for your life that actually come true. It's funny that the first song I sang to him, before I even knew his name, would ring so true, I finally found my missing puzzle piece and I am complete.

_Wow, I think I went a bit off target with that one. __I think I am going to either have to really edit this before I turn it in to Prof Miller, or just scrap it and start over. There is a lot I like here though; maybe with some editing I can still use it. Considering Kurt's going to be home at any minute though, I think I'll wait on that. I really want to enjoy some coffee kisses and wandering hands tonight. It's been too long and I'm horny already. God it's good to feel 17 again._


	18. Chapter 18

**First off I have to say thank you to everyone out there who PM'd to check and make sure things were going alright in my neck of the woods. It has been a busy 2 weeks that unfortunately didn't leave much time for writing. Long and short: My stepson, who we haven't seen since he was 4 and who now is 16, decided on the spur of the moment to come down for part of the summer. Needless to say, entertaining a kid I have never met, dealing with "new baby syndrome" from my 12 year old daughter, and the fact that he has Asbergers – making the social even more awkward kept writing on the back burner.**

**I took a day off from reading to get myself back in canon mindset, cause lord knows, read enough FF and you are off all over the place, and here we go … Chapter 18 for you**

First thing I will tell you is that Kurt and I had that talk you recommended and it really helped. He was so supportive and understanding and made me realize that we have grown beyond so much of that. He is actually the one that started it, he said that I had been off and quiet recently and he wanted to help. So much for him sitting back and taking me treating him insensitively, never going to happen. Thanks again for the advice.

I think I left off last time with a dead canary and a confession. It is funny that the confession didn't really change anything in our relationship, at least not as drastically as I thought it would. I was so scared that "boyfriend" meant losing the best friend that I never really thought that it would just enhance what was already there rather than changing it into something different. But I am getting ahead of myself.

All of our friends figure to this day that most of that afternoon was spent making out on the couch. The reality couldn't be further than the truth. Not that there wasn't ANY making out, because honestly we were both teenage boys, but there was more talking and just enjoying than anything. We spent a long time opening up about how we felt and what we wanted, curled up on the couch together. It was honestly less uncomfortable that I had thought it would be, I mean I spent months ignoring Kurt's feelings as well as my own and that could have been really awkward. But it wasn't in the least. We left that afternoon "officially official".

We did spend a good amount of time between that afternoon and the competition actually practicing. Both of us have always been fierce competitors and a new relationship wasn't going to change that. All the guys quickly figured out that we were "together" and it turned out that they had been taking bets for MONTHS. Most of the votes for the duet were actually votes for us to get our butts in gear and our heads out of similar body parts according to more than one Warbler. We did get a small lecture from Wes and David about not letting the awesomeness that was "Klaine" (their name for us) get in the way of professionalism. Like either one of us would actually let that happen. The one thing we hadn't done was come clean to his old friends.

The song I had chosen was "Candles" by Hey Monday, a kind of obscure song, but somehow it fit. It was originally written as a break up song, but the two of us definitely had our own spin on the lyrics. "Lost sight, couldn't see, when it was you and me" fit with my own cluelessness. "One day you will wake up, with nothing but your sorries" When Kurt sang that line, it was the truth, I did wake up sorry for all the pain and confusion I put him through. "One day you will get back everything you gave me" Kurt knew that he had finally received from me all the emotion and the feelings and the longing that he had felt for so long. It was perfect.

When the time for the competition came Kurt was scared beyond belief. He was so worried about screwing everything up for the Warblers. I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around him backstage but since we got together we both tended to avoid PDA, partly because we felt awkward around school because none of the other guys had the luxury of going to school with their girlfriends, but also because we didn't feel the need to always physically reassure ourselves that we had finally crossed that invisible line. I put my hands on his shoulders and leaned into his back telling him that we had this and that I believed in him. Then it was time to head onstage.

From the first moment when the Warblers began the harmony on the introduction it was like Kurt and I were alone on the stage. There was no audience, no judges, no spotlights, just the two of us opening our hearts. Every note was perfect, every look full of open emotion and joy. One of Kurt's old teammates, the self proclaimed "badass" told us later that watching us made him understand what love really was. Needless to say telling them became a moot point. Unfortunately the judges caught it too, and while that could have been a good thing, with a ultra right wing conservative and a nun on the panel, it didn't put us high in the rankings, no matter how technically good we were. Like I told Kurt later tho, as much as he may have wanted to win the competition we got each other out of it all and I would have taken that over a trophy any day.

I said at the beginning of this entry that nothing much changed that day and yet everything did. One of the best things about falling in love with your best friend is that honest understanding and emotion is the basis for everything. Kurt and I didn't change much about the way we were with each other. When we had movie marathons we just cuddled closer on the couch. Going out for coffee meant playing footsies under the table instead of just sitting there. The tension that had been evident was gone and we gradated from awkward shoulder bumps to quiet kisses and snuggles. We were still best friends and yet so much more.

What I found with Kurt was something that anyone would love to dream of. I don't know if it was because of our friendship or the shit we went through in the past, but what we found was deeper than I ever imagined. Much deeper than what I ever hoped for or even thought was possible at the age of 17. You aren't supposed to find permanence in high school, aren't supposed to make plans for your life that actually come true. It's funny that the first song I sang to him, before I even knew his name, would ring so true, I finally found my missing puzzle piece and I am complete.

**Well done Mr Anderson, just the right amount of emotion conveyed here without getting sappy. It's funny, knowing both you and Kurt I can see you as you are now then as well. Comfortable and secure and just in tune. Getting the judges you did, I can see why you didn't win. How were the rest of the guys with that? Any hard feelings? Looking forward to seeing how things develop from here.**


	19. Chapter 19

You asked about the Warbler's reaction to losing Regionals. Needless to say everyone was upset about the situation and wished that things had turned out differently but there was no finger pointing and no blame. Honestly looking at the competition, New Directions won fair and square and it had nothing to do with Kurt's and my duet. New Directions went somewhere I had never seen in a show choir competition and that was performing original songs. As pitch perfect and energetic as the Warbler's performance was, there is noting to compete with singing your own words. The energy and emotion that they had was electric.

Things were crazy after the competition. Rachel had another party to celebrate and Kurt and I were invited. It was actually our first real public date and I was honestly intimidated to be around his friends. These were the people who had become his family and the ones that knew him the best. It was one thing to be around them when Kurt and I were friends and another thing completely now that we were together. I was worried about being judged. Worried that they wouldn't think I was good enough for him. I really didn't have to worry as it turned out.

Kurt's friends were some of the most open and welcoming people I had ever met. The Warblers were wonderful friends but there was something about the honesty of New Directions that frankly blew me away. I was welcomed into the "family" with warm hugs and several variations of "took you long enough". Being able to spend time with the whole group as opposed to just a few of Kurt's closest girlfriends I could really feel the dynamic that made them shine so much on stage. Each of them was so much an individual, but they complimented each other perfectly. Where the Warblers were respected and admired, these guys were a family because they chose to be, regardless of what everyone around them thought of it.

In New Directions you had every possible group represented. All the people that in a normal high school setting would be sitting on opposite sides of the cafeteria by invisible walls meshed perfectly in their group. There were Football players and ex-cheerleaders, goths and "preps", the quiet shy kids and the school sluts (and I mean that with the most love I can). There was only one thing that these kids had in common, other than a love for each other, and that was a love for music. Music was their outlet, they sang to express themselves, their emotions, their fears and their joys. It was dynamic and welcoming and beautiful. I was proud to be accepted as one of them.

While I was intimidated to meet New Directions as Kurt's boyfriend I was terrified to meet Kurt's father in that capacity. I had met and spoken with Burt before of course, at football games and when Kurt and I would hang out at his place on the weekends, but it seemed so different now that we were together. I was really concerned after the conversation we had at his shop about Kurt's lack of education in the sexual arena. I could just imagine Burt's thoughts on that conversation, followed not long after by us getting together. I had to come clean to Kurt, of course, and that conversation was more awkward than the original one had been. Luckily Kurt was used to my "Insert foot in mouth" tendency and took the conversation in the manner it was intended, concern and affection.

Friday night dinners at Kurt's were sacred in every sense of the word. Kurt had explained that it was a tradition started when his Mom was still alive and that he and his dad had continued. To be invited was terrifying for me, it felt like I was intruding on something personal as well as being intimidating in general. I knew how protective Kurt's dad was with him and how close they were and I really wanted Burt to accept our relationship and me. From what New Directions had told me I might be greeted at the door with a shotgun, ala "Bad Boys" or something of the sort and it scared me to death.

I was scared for nothing in the end. Aside from a few questions about our relationship, when I had realized that Kurt meant more to me than a friend, and an uncomfortable discussion about my intentions at the shop that day, the dinner was comfortable and uneventful. Kurt's family was so much like his friends, open and inviting and welcoming. His stepmother was wonderful, sweet and so motherly. Kurt's dad and I bonded over our love of football and his stepbrother and I over video games. No one questioned when I leaned over and gave Kurt a kiss on the cheek when he said something sweet at dinner, there were no odd looks when we cuddled together on the couch while we all talked. I felt like part of the family, like I was accepted, like I fit.

I couldn't help but contrast this wonderful home with mine. There was none of the formality at Kurt's that I felt with my own family. Kurt's and my relationship was accepted as a given, as something normal. Our sexuality and relationship wasn't even worth a mention, at least not in a questioning or awkward way. I felt so comfortable with them and wished my own family could be more like them. I knew that sooner or later I would have to broach the topic of Kurt with my family and that he would eventually want to meet them. I was concerned about what to expect when that day came.

**Nicely done Mr Anderson. The descriptions of Kurt's friends and family made me really feel them. I can see how for Kurt they must have been a refuge. While it sounds like you never hid who you were, from what you have said and from knowing Kurt I don't think he ever had that choice. Having that open environment with the love and affection must have been wonderful for him, and for you as well. It sounds like finding that easy acceptance really helped fill a part of you that had been missing. **

_AN: For those who figured that a PAPABEAR!Burt was forthcoming, sorry to disappoint. I don't see Burt as the "threaten with shotgun" type, really. I do see Blaine loving the acceptance and the dynamic that is the Hudmells. I also realized that I haven't put one disclaimer in this fic so for the record: I am not Ryan, Ian, or Brad, nor am I affiliated with Fox in any way. I do not own any of the characters or actors, tho I do have lots of pics saved of Darren and Chris. I just love my boys and Blaine refuses to shut up_


	20. Chapter 20

You brought up a topic that really got to me and that led to another one that I really feel strongly about. I'm talking about "passing" and hetero-norming and all the nasty little misconceptions and preconceived notions that are out there. I don't mean any offense towards you Professor Miller, I really don't think your comment was meant in a negative way, but I get this all the time and it really pisses me off. I like football and soccer and work out and I'm gay. Kurt likes fashion and broadway and over moisturizes and he's gay. We are BOTH guys, for those in the world who try to imply otherwise.

It really bothers me that people make all sort of assumptions about same-sex couples and gay people in general. Yes my fiance may be more stereotypical than I am, but that doesn't make him more gay. He doesn't cross dress or shave his legs and wear makeup. It doesn't mean that he cooks and cleans and plays housewife while I watch football and drink beer. It doesn't mean that he is automatically the "fragile" one in the relationship, or that he is more emotional, and especially doesn't mean that he automatically is the receiver (Sorry for being blunt).

Sometimes I think Kurt has it easier, people automatically assume he is gay. As hard as that is for him with his voice and fashion sense it would be hard for him to pretend otherwise. With me it is more of a struggle. I can't begin to tell you how many times we go out to a party or to some other function and even with me standing right there next to him people ask where his boyfriend is. Then they look at me like I have two heads or something. I have lost track of how many women have offered to "convert" me when I turn them down. Apparently being masculine and gay doesn't work in most people's minds.

When acquaintences find out we are engaged they automatically ask how I proposed. Why am I automatically the one who proposed? Actually I wasn't, Kurt was. They ask Kurt to see the ring, almost like they expect to see a full carat solitare sitting on his finger. When discussing wedding plans people automatically ask if Burt is going to walk him down the aisle and give him away. Excuse me, there is no BRIDE here. Kurt will not be wearing a white gown for our wedding and we won't have rings until we get married.

Two of our best friends from High School. Brittney and Santana are lesbians and I hear the comments they get all the time. Both of them are absolutely beautiful women, I mean like playboy bunny gorgeous. Men adore the fact that they are lesbians, expressing three way fantasies that are not for polite company and assume that they just "play together" on the side. They aren't butch biker chicks so they can't be real lesbians. If you don't fit the mold what you have can't be real?

I think what bothers me even more than all the norming and assumptions in the world are the people out there that think that a homosexual relationship isn't real. There are still so many people out there that equate gay with quickies in bars and strictly sexual relationships. Kurt and I have been together for 6 years now and people find that so hard to believe. OK I am gay, does that mean that I don't want the same thing that any heterosexual man does? I don't have the right to want a family and a home and the white picket fence? My goal shouldn't be to have kids and a dog and quiet weekends at home with my husband? Why am I so different than anyone else out there?

For the record: There is no "girl" in most gay relationships. Kurt may be the more "feminine" one of us, but he is also the stronger one, emotionally. He is the one that holds me together when things get tough. He is the one who raised the bar on our relationship when we were dating. For all that he is a true romantic he is also the more physical out of the two of us. I love football, but I can cook a mean gourmet meal and do most of our laundry. Just because I don't wear runway fashions, or paint my nails or spend insane amounts of time on skin care each night doesn't mean I am less gay/

I wish people could see that while we may not be like them, we are more like them than they think. I met the man who makes my life complete. We are getting married. Neither one of us will be walked down the aisle and given away. What we will have is a life filled with love and comfort and understanding. We plan to have kids someday, it just takes more work and planning. I love Kurt and he loves me, why does that mean we have to fit someone else's notion of a relationship? Why does that mean that we have to take on the roles that society seems to expect, based on our looks or personalities? I really don't get it.

**WOW. I am sorry that I made that statement, I really meant nothing negative by it, I hope you know. I think a lot of people try to fit the world into neat little boxes based on their own ideas and expectations. I didn't honestly realize how much of a problem it is for you and your friends. You did bring up some things that I will need to really think about, because I honestly fall into some of same traps I am sorry to say. Thanks for opening up my eyes a bit.**


	21. Chapter 21

_**AN: Alright now that I have discovered how to breathe again … Thank you all so much. I received more reviews on the last chapter than I have for any other. I am glad I hit a chord with the thoughts and feelings expressed. It honestly all started with reading yet another "Burt walks Kurt down the aisle" future fic and Blaine just YELLED. When Blaine yells I type – LOL. 3 u all**_

I am glad that I gave you something to think about and apologize if the tone of that assignment was a bit "bitchy" for lack of a better word. It all started out at a karaoke bar that Kurt and I went to this weekend. Kurt decided to get up and sing and the group of guys that sat at the table next to us started in with the "girl" comments. I could ignore it until they tried to get me into the conversation, assuming very much that I was straight. Just pissed me off, I didn't mean to take it out on you.

I think before I got off on this tangent I was talking about families and their reaction to Kurt's and my relationship. There was never a question with Kurt's family, at least not in the general sense of things. I knew that things were going to be more interesting when it came time for Kurt to meet my family so I decided to tackle the issue head on.

Being with Kurt seemed to bring out the best in me. I had found myself in the rut of being the perfect gentleman, the one that didn't rock the boat, didn't question the status quo and Kurt helped me open up. I realized that being different wasn't a bad thing and that you could be an individual and still be accepted. I found myself laughing more, expressing differing opinions and rediscovering myself. It was because of this that I went home for a weekend to spend some time with my family for a change.

I was scared to death to actually talk to my parents. Or relationship had become more distant since I went to Dalton and the topic of my sexuality NEVER was brought up, EVER. After dinner on Friday night I asked my Mother and Father if we could talk in the living room. Needless to say it was an uncomfortable conversation.

I point blank asked what their concerns and feelings were on having a gay son. At first I got a lot of the typical answers that I had heard before; the religious arguments, the arguments on what their friends and business associates would think, basically the generalized "gay is wrong". I refused to let it drop at that though. There had to be more to their feelings than that and I had to know what they were before we could try and redevelop a relationship.

I will admit, I yelled, they yelled. Lots of accusations were thrown around. My parents wanted to know why after all this time we needed to be discussing the issue. I told them that they were my parents and that no matter what they felt about me I still loved them and I wanted to know why they stopped loving me.

When we all finally calmed down I asked what they were so scared of. My dad told me that he hated the fact that I had chosen such a "promiscuous lifestyle". It surprised me. He honestly thought that because I was gay that I was already out there throwing myself and my body around. My mom admitted that her biggest fear was that I would never settle down and have a family, that she would never have the chance to have grandchildren or see me happy with just one person. It threw me for a loop that these people who had raised me with morals and values thought that just because I was gay I had forgotten all those lessons.

Both of them were shocked when I looked them dead in the eyes and told them that I was a virgin and planned on staying that way for the near future. I told them that just because I was gay didn't mean that I thought sex was recreational instead of special. I talked to them about Rachel's dads and the fact that they had been together over 20 years and had a daughter that I was friends with. I told my mom about them using a surrogate so Rachel was biologically Hiram's daughter. I explained to them that all I wanted in my life was to settle down, have a family and get married. I told them that I wanted the same thing as anyone else and they actually began to listen.

Then I told them about Kurt. I told them that he was my best friend, that he understood me, listened to me, helped me be a better person. I told them about how long it took me to understand that I cared for him as more than a friend, because I was scared of losing the friendship to a fleeting relationship. I told them that Kurt and I were taking things slow, because we respected each other and wanted to be sure that anything physical that happened between us was for the right reasons.

My mom surprised me, she looked at me and asked me to tell her more about Kurt. She told me later that the look in my eye and the tone in my voice when I described him reminded her so much of how she talked about my dad when they first met. I went on for what felt like forever, describing how his eyes change color depending on his mood, telling them about the emotion he showed when he sang, telling them how special and loved he made me feel. I told them how he always made the time to listen to me, how he never misses a Friday night dinner at home, how accepting his dad was. When I finished my dad asked me to invite Kurt over for dinner the next weekend. And he asked if he could get Burt's number so the parents could set up a time to meet each other. Talk about a turn around.

Dinner that weekend went fantastically. Kurt, being his usual charming self, absolutely sucked my parents in. He discussed interior decorating and fashion with my mom and gave her ideas for new recipes and a dessert that would go great with dinner. He talked cars with my dad and even changed into one of my tee shirts and sweats to check out a noise that my dad complained about on his Caddy. He went on and on about how sweet I was as well as sharing some of the more embarrassing moments from our friendship. When he left it was with a sincere handshake from my dad and a lasting hug from my mom, as well as an open invitation to visit.

I found out later that my dad called Burt and the two of them met for lunch one day. Dad told me that he wanted Burt's advice on dealing with my sexuality and how to be supportive, even if he didn't fully understand. The two of them struck up a friendship that has lasted to this day. I think it helped that Burt was so positive to my dad on what type of young man he felt I was. When you are told that you have done a wonderful job in raising a well adjusted, caring, moral son it kind of makes you realize that his sexuality is just a small part of him I think. My parent's and my relationship turned out to be stronger than it ever had been, they became my friends as well.

**It must have been amazing to realize that what was behind a lot of the negativity was fear. I have to applaud you for pushing through what must have been a very uncomfortable conversation to finally get to the root of the matter. I would be willing to bet that your parents had never really put all those thoughts into words, as such. I'm glad that it worked out, it could have gone so many different ways.**


End file.
